Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Grocery List...Laundry List

So the first thing I did this morning after getting up, was make a grocery list. Well, I mean, after being woken up by a hungry baby, then feeding and changing him, I made a grocery list. Some dear friends of ours are going on their 16th day in the hospital after what seemed to be a routine procedure...so I thought I'd take some food over to their house. For me, recipes mean lots of specific ingredients.

I used to be able to remember lots of specific ingredients when I went to the grocery, but now I have a small distraction.

Baby P. "Screamer on Aisle 5." Little Stinker (that's what I call him).

To begin with, I left my carefully made list at home, so while sitting in the Starbucks drive-through with my tall/one pump/pumpkin spice latte and single tiny, vanilla scone, waiting for the idiot tow-truck driver blocking the exit to move, I tried to remember everything and write it down again before heading into the seventh circle of hell...I mean, the grocery store. One of the most important things to remember when grocery shopping with Baby P is speed. Few stops + Fast buggy = Better experience for everyone.

Enter "Mean Grocery Lady" and my Laundry List of grocery related complaints.

I was parked in the vegetable area, right where I needed to be to grab my 4 things and get going like the speed demon that I am, when "Mean Grocery Lady" (heretofore referred to as MGL), parks directly beside me, blocking the entire aisle and my access to the avocados, using body and shopping cart language to try to get me to move. I was 'body languaging' right back that I needed to get past her for the avocados and she ignored me and just stood there (wanting to get to the peppers on my side), completely avoiding  my eye contact at all costs. Plus, I had a fussy baby in my shopping cart, I think that entitles me to vegetable right of way!

Laundry List Item #1. People need to make eye contact with other people-even strangers-if you are going to be a courteous member of polite society. It is sad to me that this woman thought it was perfectly appropriate to be involved in a non-verbal dispute with me over vegetables and never make eye contact. I was so close to telling her how rude she was being-beyond the huffing and eye rolling I was already doing (if she had looked at me it would have been perfectly clear what I thought).

Laundry List Item #2: What is wrong with waiting two seconds while people finish getting what they need? You are not more important than anyone else. Why do you feel like it's ok to elbow someone out of the way for your disgusting packet of beef-a-roni while I'm getting my long-grain, brown rice? (of course, I buy brown rice, it's not lumpy and gross...it's healthy...)

So we got past MGL, then went back to got our avocados (she would not move) and continued on around the store. I was now hypersensitive to all the people who would not make eye contact (try it sometime folks, it's disturbing). Now Baby P was really screaming so I started chanting my grocery list to him. Brocc-o-li, cream cheese, yo-gurt, cof-fee fil-ters...(he laughts) Cof-fee fil-ters! Cof-fee fil-ters! After about five times, it lost its magic and I had to move on to other items of my list. Green chi-les! Toi-let Pa-per! Yo-gurt! I thought about singing somethings else like "Mary Had a Little Lamb," but then I'd lose all chance of going home with the items on my list and that was the whole point of this flippin' trip. (I've started saying flippin' in a Northern accent because I watched Sarah Palin's Alaska the other night)

Speaking of yo-gurt, I was by the yogurt collecting my delectable Emmi flavors (pink grape-fruit and ap-ri-cot!!) when I ran into MGL again. This time she was coming the opposite way and in a place where there really wasn't enough room.

Laundry List Item #3: It is not ok to squeeze through a small space beside someone, nearly smashing their fingers, and scraping their buggy without saying sorry or even making eye contact! I wanted to slap her and then I gave Baby P a long talk about the importance of eye contact - in sing-song, of course.

We finally got to the checkout, went back for the cream cheese that I forgot, and then back to the checkout. I was chanting to Baby P and trying to put all my stuff on the conveyor, when I got a whiff of the cashier.

Laundry List Item #4: It is not ok not to bathe, then go out into a public place.

We got out, after I had to bag my own groceries, (it's ok, calorie burning opportunity) and headed to the car. Baby P has really had enough by this point and when the icy wind blew in his face, he became absolutely livid! I'm unloading groceries into the back of my car and singing "we're almost done, almost home, almost done..." with pumpkin spice latte in one hand, bags in the right and holding the cart still with my foot. I lifted Baby P's carseat out of the cart, latte still in one hand, and realized that he buggy was heading down a hill and directly toward a line of cars. I set P down and grab the cart, then jog toward the area where they want you to leave the buggies, and try to push it away with enough momentum to soar into the buggy receptacle. Unfortunately, I sent it on the wrong trajectory, because I pushed it one handed (flippin' pumpkin spice latte) and it was heading at high speed for the smooth finish of a brand new looking SUV. I literally sprinted (it was like a suicide for those of you familiar with basketball practices) to overtake the buggy and save the SUV. Well, I was actually thinking of saving myself. It looked like a car that might have one of those "On-Star" systems. According to the commercials, those things can do everything from give you CPR if you're not breathing, to pull you from a burning buildling...so I was concerned that it might take a photo of me and report me to the police if I damaged its finish.

Laundry List Item # 5: I hate walking around a parking lot trying to find a place to put my shopping cart and I especially hate sprinting.

So we went home. I had a few sips left of my Pumpkin Spice Latte to appease my wounded psyche, until I started to cook and realized I had forgotten my green chiles...


  1. Aw I'm sorry you had such a stressful grocery store experience :( That lady sounded delightful. And I can JUST picture your expressions, sprinting through the parking lot, singing to P, etc. But can you imagine if you hadn't had the PSL in hand? Would have been WAY worse.

  2. This sounded super stressful! If we didn't live an hour and a half away, I'd offer to pick up food for you every time I went to Kroger :)
    And I love that you sang your grocery list to baby P to calm him!